SPREADING OUR WINGS

what? oh - good one, but he’s actually an even bigger dildo in real life

i bet this introductory title puts the one steven thought of to shame, although that’s not really saying much, the chap has the creative acumen of a comatose sea urchin. now then, he told me i had to write a piece about ”him” — typical — what a conceited bastard, but regardless, here it goes: steven is a primate. this simple declaration contains a profusion of information, but i know the statement will be understood only by a few. in my experience, most of you humans are a bunch of boorish apes who never cease to amaze me with your inability to identify your own invidious and vainglorious weltanschauung. steven is 24 human years old and he’s often a pompous ass, which is evident by the url of the blog. of course he put his name first. his diet is herbivorous for moral reasons and it gives me no greater pleasure than to have him watch me rip through flesh 9deep down i know he wants to as well0, since i am carnivore from head to talon - which i’m sure he excluded from his narration of myself. oh, and get this, he hopes to change the world1 but no worries, i never  fail to point out to him how ridiculous he is for maintaining such a yearning…but i might be speaking too harshly 9partially because i presume he’s going to read this. that’s right steven, fuck you0. clandestinely, i do hope he makes a difference in this world, for he is a human like none i’ve ever met. his compassion and enjoyment for life is unrivaled…fuck it irks me to write this. if he sees it it’s just going to inflate his ego even further. it’s already as swelled as the breasts of a pregnant balaenoptera musculus. that was a good one; but it’s even more hilarious to me that you fuckers won’t get it until you make a pitstop at google. whatever, this is boring the shit out of me, and if you guys actually want to know him better just follow his other blogs. pathetic.

Don’t let her cuteness deceive you…

What to say about Athene…First off, she thinks that she’s the most amazing thing to walk this earth. I say walk, because she claims that she can’t fly anymore, but she won’t tell me why. I think she can fly and she just made it up as an excuse to get me to carry her ass everywhere. Lazy jerk. She is possibly the most feisty soul I have had the pleasure of spending time with, which is why we get along so well. That and the fact that she has a rotten sense of humor. But I’m getting ahead of myself. She is a snowy owl, also called the arctic or great white owl, and she is the official bird of Quebec, which she absolutely loathes. For some reason or another she despises Canada…and France. So the fact that she is the official bird of a Canadian province, and the only Canadian province in which French is the sole official language, really rustles her feathers. I don’t like talking to her about it because I absolutely love Canada…but feel free to ask her about it if you’d like. She’s eight years old, which based on their captive life span of ~28 years, puts her somewhere in her 20’s in relation to human years. But most the time she acts like a douchy 50 year-old (infer from that what you will) or behaves like a toddler…there’s really no inbetween. Like most owls (from what I’ve heard), she’s extremely wise and intelligent, and a lot of people can’t stand her for too long because she can be disturbingly pedantic (so I try and take her down a notch whenever I can). But that’s another reason our friendship is able to work, since we are able to have wonderful philosophical conversations. Well, that should be enough for now, you will get a better feel of who she is as you read future posts.

oh yeah, if you can, make sure you comment on how her punctuation isn’t great. Because of her physical constitution, she uses the hunt-and-peck (yes pun intended. punny right?) method of typing and can’t hit two keys at once, meaning she can’t capitalize any letters or use quotations, exclamation points, etc. - which really grinds her gears.